A Reaction to Injustice

I have spent the last two hours doing absolutely nothing. Yes, I’m at work. No, I’m not alone in the office. Why do I not care about how much I slack off in the company of boss and co-workers, I hear you asking? Because I don’t have a job for much longer whether I’m Suzy Kiss-Ass Perfect, or Slacker McSlackerson. I hate my job and have since day one.

As I’ve posted before, I’ve been “terminated” from my job, although the actual termination is still about 40 days away. The first conversation my boss had with me about this subject went something like this…
Boss: “We need to talk about your plans for when you have the baby.”
Me: “Sure. What did you have in mind?”
Boss: “Well, March is a really inconvenient time for us here and we want to replace you by December.”
Me: “My due-date is inconvenient?” “Um… well, I suppose I could substitute.”
Boss: “That sounds good.” “We hope to hire your replacement by November, so you can train her, and then you’ll be gone by December.”
Me: [total shock] “Ooooo-kay.”

So since this initial conversation and the two carefully worded letters that followed supporting his original reason (and several hours with his attorney talking about my letters), my boss now insists that my “being let go” has nothing to do with my pregnancy. His new story is that my job was always temporary and only meant to be for a few weeks. When I reluctantly took this job, I was about to collect unemployment from my previous employer after a mass lay-off and had my days to myself. Why would I have taken a job “for a few weeks” and give up all that freedom? Answer: I didn’t. I agreed to a permanent, full-time job with a review in 90 days that he chose never to have.

Long story short—my boss has lied to me, to my family and he’s done it to our faces. When I’m super sweet to him, helpful and put up with his yelling, constant frustration, bizarre outbursts and intolerance of questions, it gets me nowhere. When I’m a bitch, ignore him, act like a smart-ass, and goof around all day, it still gets me nowhere, but at least I get to enjoy my day a bit more. What would you call this attitude?

XY

One second after the ultrasound tech put that wand on my belly; a fully formed baby appeared on screen. One big round head. Two long arms and two long legs. Lots of tiny vertebrae all lined up neatly and 20 fingers and toes. And an unmistakable penis. Yes, I just typed that. Long story short. We are having a boy!

My dad and Jason came along. That must have looked weird—one pregnant chick, her man and her dad. Little did I know I was in the company of all men at a very female place doing something only women have to do. :)

He was playing with his toes most of the time while turning from the direction of the wand lady. He mooned us twice and even attempted to cover his face with one hand. It blows my mind that I can know exactly what my baby boy was doing at that given moment. He probably doesn’t even know what I am, but I am so intensely aware of him. How can you love something so small and hard to see, this much?

Mine :)

I Miss…

Coffee
Sushi!
Feta cheese
Warm baths
Advil
Coke and
Sleeping on my stomach.
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I have the big ultrasound tomorrow—the XX or XY ultrasound. This time tomorrow, I will know whether I will be saying the word “son” or the word “daughter” from now on. This is also where they measure the baby and check to make sure all its parts are where they’re supposed to be. In other words, it’s the kind of test that can make me pretty nervous. Just keep those prayers coming. :)

My Last On the Subject

This morning, I was transferring files from my old computer to my new one. The old one is set to go to my cousin very soon. As I was deciding what to keep and what to trash, I came across the eulogy I wrote for my Gran’s funeral last year.
I could transfer it to my new computer, but I think it’s time to let it go. Instead, I’d like to just put it out there in some permanent fashion. I will post it here.
This post isn’t meant to be sad because the eulogy wasn’t really meant to be that way either. Well, you can judge for yourself.

For my Gran, Amy R…
When I was a kid, I would call my Gran every night. It sounds stupid now, I know, but I called just to make sure she would answer the phone, just to hear her voice so I would know that everything was okay for at least another day. We would end our phone calls the exact same way, “I love you.” **kiss** You know that smoochy, kissing sound… we would do that instead of a hug or a real kiss goodnight.
She would do cartwheels the day before my birthday because I was so excited. She called it, Naomi’s birthday Eve and put it on the calendar for a long time.
I love my grandma. She wasn’t perfect, she wasn’t even nice all the time, but she was funny and compassionate and she loved me. She was my Gran. That’s all. She’s my Granny. When this incredible sadness comes over you, I think what it boils down to is the realization that there is one less person in this world who really loves you.
I don’t want people to forget these little things about her. She can’t be just another lady on the obituary page. She was someone special to me. For those of you who didn’t know Amy R... as well as we did, I collected a list of some her idiosyncrasies.

She had some kind of obsessive compulsive need to collect recipes. She loved to cook.
She put lemon juice in everything
She made the best chocolate chip cookies ever, I try to make them now, but there not the same.
She proudly regaled us with her ridiculous tales of Trotter’s Jelly and Liza Longtoes.
She refused to say her hair was red, it was always Titian. Whatever that means.
She openly corrected bad grammar until the very end.
She always had a Kleenex shoved up her left sleeve. It was really gross.
She often kept a damp cloth in a plastic baggy in her purse to clean the faces and hands of any dirty children.
Her voice would get really high pitched and shrill when she got mad… which was pretty often.
She loves cheese and pasta, and even more together.
She loved all forms candy and chocolate as a chaser to the cheese and pasta.
She literally burnt out two television sets in the time I’ve known her. She really loved FoodTV.
She was really feminine, and loved things like lace, flowers, Victorian era dresses and dolls.
She could walk around a “shop” as she called them, for hours. She didn’t tire easily.
She never stopped dreaming. Not for one day.

The hardest thing is trying to make myself realize that I’m never going to see her again (in this life). I wish I could take her to just one more shop and watch her walk around for hours. But I do have the hope of seeing her again--in a way I’ve never seen her.
Actually I’m starting to feel like maybe we are all missing out on something really great. Like Heaven isn’t just an idea anymore. Now it’s this real place I’m starting to look forward to myself.
It’s a privilege that the lines of Heaven are wide open to us. Because of that, we are never far from Heaven and never far from those we love. We can live with the joyful expectation that we too will “wake to the glory of Heaven” and, ourselves, be joyfully reunited with these people we have enjoyed and loved.
I look forward to seeing my Gran again one day--to go to a shop with her, to see her bright and beautiful face and of course to tease her one more time.
I will remember you Gran, and thanks for all the laughs.

Raining, Pouring and All That Mumbo Jumbo.

A friend posted in her blog that she hoped her reader’s lives were “less chaotic than [hers] right now.” Well friend, I’m here to tell you… they are not.

So, Jason and I have a LOT going on in our lives right now. For those of you who don’t already know, we are expecting an actual human addition to our household and not another puppy this time. Around mid to late March, our lives will be consumed with the omnipresent needs of a helpless infant. Ah, parenthood looms. So while I’m gestating I’m also planning, preparing, cleaning, and worrying like crazy. I don’t attempt to know when the intense fear will go away; if ever, so just keep your fingers crossed for us.

As if incubating another human being wasn’t enough… there’s more! We’re moving. Granted we are only moving about 5 miles away, the change is still huge for us. Our current house, charming as it is, is only about 930 square feet. We dance around each other in the kitchen and bedroom and have to stagger our bathroom time in order to avoid accidentally stabbing each other with our toothbrushes or razors. Our new place still has three bedrooms, but it has two full bathrooms, a gigantic living room, a big square kitchen with room for a kitchen table, a separate dining (see, our plans), a two-car garage and “ahhhhhhhhhhhh” a utility room for our washer and dryer! Oh, how such simple things bring me joy.

As you might expect, the trade off for such a ginormous, grown-up place is that the house needs some T.L.C., and by T.L.C. I mean destruction, renovation, building, paint, flooring and more. We have big plans. The dining room is lovely, but in a weird spot, plus we don’t even have a dining room table, just one for the kitchen. We aren’t formal diners anyway, so we have decided to try and enclose this superfluous space, add double glass doors and convert it into our home office. Lots to do, so expect calls for help.

Okay, so what have we so far… helpless infant, new house… OH, I’ve been terminated from my job too. Yeah. Well, just mere moments after returning to work after my first O.B. appointment, my boss told me that my due date was inconvenient and that he wanted to replace me by December. And yes, it is legal so, watch out. Being “heavy with child” as I will be by December, I’m guessing I’ll be an unlikely candidate for a new and rewarding position elsewhere. I have no choice but to attempt to work from home or temp (another subject entirely) until the summer. So, there’s that.

Ah, let’s see… then there’s the oft overlooked fact that Jason is likely to begin graduate school in February. We decided November was full enough already, so February is more likely.

To add to our drama, my sister, the one who has recently been spending lots of time with “Kiki from the penitentiary” is set for release in about a week. My mom is driving there to “claim” her and take her to her next destination—a non-mandatory thing that I don’t fully understand. Plus, my nephew who also recently spent some time in the clink is now living with my parents and a regular part of our lives. That part is nice.

Well, I could actually tell you more, but I’ll just let that digest for now. So, there is so much going on in my life right now: some is exciting, some is scary, and some is still up in the air at this point. That’s life, right?

Not mine. :)

The Stuff We Don’t Say

It has been my aim, that my life looks a certain way to someone viewing it. Good stuff all around. But what about all the stuff we don’t say to each other? I’ve realized that I tell three people in my life just about everything and everybody else… almost nothing. This can only be explained as a blatant attempt to hide some of the less attractive realities of a person’s life, of my life.

I’ve got to tell you, it’s pretty hard to keep a current blog when you filter that much information. One of the most currently pressing issues in my life deals with my family. I just read someone else’s blog and they mentioned a similar issue so I will attempt to speak as openly.

I have two very close family members who are/were serving time in jail. The first is my sister. She has been in and out of jail for about three years. She was released on a probationary status a little over a year ago and sent to a half-way house. Shortly after that, our grandmother died and I assume she hit bottom (again). She disappeared on a Thursday and we filed a missing persons report within two weeks. My mother had to negatively identify two bodies over the phone before my sister finally resurfaced (alive) three months later. At one point, we believed she was dead. This disappearing act was in direct violation of her parole so while she contacted us, she continued to hide from her fate. After several months in relative hiding, she was turned in and is now serving the rest of her parole time in a prison outside this state. She will be released later this month.

As long as I can remember, my sister has had issues that I didn’t understand. I won’t go into the details because they are her’s to share, but suffice it to say that I have always hoped for the best and been forced to face (close to) the worst. In fact, it’s quite remarkable how your definition of “the worst” can change. :) As long as she breaths, their will be hope in my heart for my sister.

The second family member is my nephew. I have several sisters and the oldest has two older teenage kids. My nephew is 19, handsome, talented and suave with his fresh-off-the-boat accent. He also seems to live two lives and has a temper like something has utter control over him at certain moments. It was, I presume, his incredible anger that helped put him in his current situation—a fight that culminated into an “assault with a dangerous weapon” charge. He is out of jail, but now has to face this very serious criminal charge and his personal demons that brought him to this point.

It is profoundly embarrassing for me to admit these things. My family is big, loud, funny and encouraging, so things like this don’t appear to make sense in the context of us. The thing I’ve come to realize is that there is no recipe for “this type of person” or “that type of person”—people just make their own choices. When it comes to this particular issue, I have no real conclusion. All I can say is that I hope this encourages you to share your own stuff with your friends.

Anonymity

If you’re afraid to list your actual identity and have chosen to hide behind the guise of anonymity, chances are you’re just scared of a negative reaction and everybody knows it. “Ooo my big toughts fwighten me.”

You know, some people may not like what you have to say, but who’s the bigger looser in that scenario—the person who got “told” by Mr. or Ms. Anonymous or the wuss who wouldn’t reveal themselves? You used to hide behind your mom when the cool kids came along, didn’t you? It’s okay, you can admit it.

The internet is a very cool thing. It enables a person to locate information in seconds, to purchase things you can’t find nearby, research all kinds of things before you have to act and even find the exact pair of boobies you want to do things to just when you want to do it. It’s brilliant! Why must you Anonywusses be such cowards and ruin it all? As old Tom Cruise would say, “You… you’re glib.”

Now remember kids…your big, frightening thoughts are neither that scary nor original, so just say it proud or don’t say it at all.

Bye Bye

--Let the anonymous crucifixion commence.--