You, Who Were My Home

It's funny how often you write about the same thing but in different ways.

8/29/06
Such a long road we’ve been walking on
And I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love
But sister you know I’m so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
My mind is too strong to carry on
When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this...
In your love, my salvation lies

8/14/06
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Three days ago, on the phone with my sister.

12/14/05
So many things are still unresolved: my sister’s fate still seems so uncertain and her insistence to pretend like her life could suddenly become normal never ceases to amaze and annoy me. If I’ve learned anything in from the death of three people I adored in the last two years, I’ve learned that there is something beautiful about finally facing the harsh reality you’ve been dealt. My hope for her in the coming year is that she can bravely stare down her demons… and overcome them. Maybe then, her life can become normal in the way hers has the nature to be.

10/19/05
To add to our drama, my sister, the one who has recently been spending lots of time with “Kiki from the penitentiary” is set for release in about a week. My mom is driving there to “claim” her and take her to her next destination—a non-mandatory thing that I don’t fully understand.

10/11/05
She has been in and out of jail for about three years. She was released on a probationary status a little over a year ago and sent to a half-way house. Shortly after that, our grandmother died and I assume she hit bottom (again). She disappeared on a Thursday and we filed a missing persons report within two weeks. My mother had to negatively identify two bodies over the phone before my sister finally resurfaced (alive) three months later. At one point, we believed she was dead. This disappearing act was in direct violation of her parole so while she contacted us, she continued to hide from her fate. After several months in relative hiding, she was turned in and is now serving the rest of her parole time in a prison outside this state. She will be released later this month.As long as I can remember, my sister has had issues that I didn’t understand. I won’t go into the details because they are her’s to share, but suffice it to say that I have always hoped for the best and been forced to face (close to) the worst. In fact, it’s quite remarkable how your definition of “the worst” can change. :) As long as she breaths, their will be hope in my heart for my sister.

5/06/05
During these past two years, fate has had it’s ironic payback—I lost my uncle and mentor in 2003, my grandmother in 2004, my sister in 2004 (in a different sort of way) and a twin pregnancy at 11 weeks. Something about loss and sadness permanently changes you.

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On Wednesday, September 27th, 2006, my beloved but tortured sister was taken to Heaven. She was only thirty years old. Hers was an epic battle between substance and Love. While substance played a part in claiming her body, Love won the war that always waged in her soul.

She was the living personification of Snow White. Her eyes were big and blue, her skin pale and soft, and her hair was long and dark. She was enormously gifted in music and words and wrote hundreds of love songs to her Savior-to-be. I believe she knew how her suffering had to end and she was just ready to go Home. Her music was strange and lovely, like it belonged in another world. Like her music, she belonged there too.

I’ll never fully understand her struggles, desire or demons, but I will always cling to the lessons she has taught me about life, persistence, expression and the Love of God. Her legacy will live forever in my heart, because I will never allow that light to fade.

I know where she is now and she is more beautiful than she could have ever hoped to be. She is forever young. She is innocent once again. But most importantly, she is finally Free!

We loved you all your life. We will miss you all of ours. Kisses.