That's When I Miss You

The official grieving events are now over. Today, we held my sister's official funeral/memorial. The first service was in Florida where she passed away and were held the day we saw her. I still can't believe I went into that room. I saw her lying there and walked to her slowly. Normally, I'm terrified of bodies at funerals etc, but I couldn't keep my hands off her. I played with her hair, traced the line of her nose, fluttered her eyelashes, touched an old scar on her right hand, touched her feet and put something into her hands. After a while, I even asked to be alone with her. There I was, in a room alone with the body of a deceased person... not just any person either, my sister. I think that's the best chat we've ever had. :)

I wrote her eulogy on a whim one morning, but couldn't find it in my heart to recall every memory I had of her. Instead, I wrote something very uncharacteristic for me. But now that the funeral is over, I keep thinking about the good memories. What a crock! We didn't even have that many great memories and those are the only ones my crazy mind is choosing to recall?! With that said, I keep remembering the songs we would sing together, the silly moments that turned into outrageously hilarious moments, her sitting on me until I would go get her a glass of water, her daring me to do things that would most certainly get me killed, our clandestine stroll along a beach of the Mediterranean Sea in Tel Aviv when we were 8 and 11 at 2am! She was nuts and I was gullible. She took me to get my first tattoo and lied to the guy for me about my age (I was 17) and even held my hand. We had the same tattoo in two different colors. My only defense as a small child was something I called "baby bites." Basically, I would just whole-handedly grab entire fistfuls of skin and fats and pinch lightly. She would laugh hysterically and eventually run away from me. I was small, but crafty.

Inevitably, I end up remembering the bad times too, but with much less zeal than I would have two weeks ago. It's like her sins against me are forgotten and all I want now is to have that one person back with whom I shared a childhood. I'm not lonely, but something about me feels abandoned and alone in the world. She was paired with me and we were meant to share something in this life with one another. Perhaps, we have. I just wanted so much more.

The memorial was beautiful and I'm so relieved that it went well and is now over. Jason and I planned the whole thing and I just wanted it to be a big deal for her. She always did love a fuss over her.

If you don't know me very well, you may have begun to notice that I tend to linger on subjects for long periods of time. Apparently, I heal by writing. That's one thing I've learned. Just rest assured that I will most likely find something else to write about in time. Until then, if you have the patience to keep reading, you'll learn more about this girl called Melanie and her silly sister than you might have wanted to.