A Sad Post

I went to visit my Gran last night. She died just over a year ago and I went to visit her grave to make sure she had flowers that weren’t too faded by the summer sun. I sat next to her for about 20 minutes and dusted the grass clippings off her tombstone. You know how in movies, people are always talking to gravestones? Well, in reality, it’s a very difficult thing to make yourself do. One can’t help felling stupid for speaking into thin air. Perhaps, I feel this way because I do believe in an afterlife and I don’t suspect that my Gran is there to hear me. I suppose you can’t pray to the dead, but I do tell her things without speaking them—which seems crazy. I “told” her to make sure that someone with her knows how much I loved them.
I also find I can’t help but apologize for not being a better grandchild. I was one of the last people in my family to see her before she died. I bumped into her at a grocery store. She had red plastic roses in her cart, the kind with fake water droplets on them. She was always collecting things like that. She asked me to help her find iced-tea in a can, but I wasn’t sure what she meant. I pointed her in the right direction, but I didn’t go for her. If I could change anything about the past, I would change that fact. I would have loaded them up for her and even carried them into her room. When we found her in her bed (she died in her sleep) she had open can of it on her nightstand. She must have found it. I also found those red roses. I took them and still have them.
Sorry this is such a sad post, but I am a bit sad and perhaps even a bit scared. Do you ever think about all the endless possibilities of happenings in your life and feel overwhelmed or even frightened? I miss my Gran today, and I missed her yesterday. She was funny and mean and never held her tongue, but she loved me and loved her.