It’s late. I’m awake. I feel like I’m always awake. Today marked the end of a very long trip to the in-laws. I’ve been on the road for days and not in a good way. The baby probably needs to eat, but I don’t know if I should wake him up.
The problem is, I can’t get some things out of my head. Does that ever happen to anyone else? I can’t stop imagining a golden field at around twilight. Something like Alexi Murdoch’s, Orange Sky sets the tone, but I’m aware of nothing but the smell of dry grass and the breeze blowing my hair. I’m captivated by an imaginary place… an imaginary moment. There’s something wrong with me.
Life is good, but I’m pulled so strongly to solitude and escape. I often wonder if it’s okay to just disappear for a week or two alone so I can breath and live someone else’s life, just for the experience of it. The problem is that I am rooted and happy. Ah shucks for me, huh? I wish I could put my index fingers together, like this show about a half alien girl I saw once, and just stop time for a while. Then I could disappear to my field and never miss a beat in real life.
Why can’t I just have simple thoughts?
2 comments:
I wonder if this is a condition of being a wife or mother or more just a condition of humanity. I know that there is no greater self sacrifice than that that a mother gives for her child, and I don't want to undervalue or underplay that in any way. But before I was married I was single for a long time......a very long time...and I have only been married for about two months so I will refrain from speaking like an experienced wife...but I remember having some of those exact same feelings and thoughts when i was single. In fact I have many blog entries of these same kind of fantasies.
I had/have a great life. Lots of amazing friends, a great family, a great job...but feeling this pressure of life--a career, taking care of a home...a yard...desperatley wishing there was someone here who would help me shoulder the burdens of life....I would want to run away...retreat...and at the same time wanted to feel a connection to the world that I felt I was missing. Through the grass and trees, and nature...through this peace...perhaps I would finally touch the elemental spirit that would help me touch humanity...help me find a connection to something outside of my small little world. In my case I wanted to be more than "just me".....I am sure that at some point in the future in my very happy life that I will feel those same moments that you all are talking about as I travel through other versions of me. Wondering as I add new hats to my identity whether the old version still exists. Not wanting to change a thing, and yet needing....
I think you hit the mark with the phrase, "another version of me." It's like another me exsists in another dimension and I keep dreaming about myself/her. It's the whole "Will and Tom Riker" phenomenon. :) Anyway, have you ever wondered what the road would have looked like had you not met Steve? The curiosity itself doesn't mean you're not thrilled to be with him, but rather, that you just wonder what road you'd be on otherwise? I think perhaps, motherhood (or just hormones) have made me obsess about all the other mes out there.
As "Me" said (sort of), certain choices, the ones we all dream of and look forward to, also kind of trap you. Sometimes that trapping sucks, like when it's 4am and you're trying to calm a teething baby, when you'd rather get in your car and drive to far away to watch the sun rise. Sometimes, the trapping is bliss in the extreme, like waking up next to someone you love and snuggling in bed with both your boys. Only tears and laughter illustrate that kind of contentedness.
Wow. I'm verbose.
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