Not Easy, But Calm: Reflections on the Year

So the official move took place on December 3rd, but we actually began living in our new house last Saturday. What a time the last few weeks have been! I feel like I’ve been living in a state of flux for over a month and so much is changing at the same time. What am I talking about—what a time the last year has been!

This time last year, I was attempting to dealing with three of the most heartbreaking events of my entire life while working quietly at a law firm downtown. My plans, my happiness seemed to be destined to fail and I was changing into someone I barely recognized and couldn’t seem to stop it. But now… nothing is the same. Life still has its way of surprising me both pleasantly and unpleasantly, but it’s just so different now. I wish someone could have told me how things can and will change in so many unforeseeable ways, so I could have seen past the haze for just a moment.

So many things are still unresolved: my sister’s fate still seems so uncertain and her insistence to pretend like her life could suddenly become normal never ceases to amaze and annoy me. If I’ve learned anything in from the death of three people I adored in the last two years, I’ve learned that there is something beautiful about finally facing the harsh reality you’ve been dealt. My hope for her in the coming year is that she can bravely stare down her demons… and overcome them. Maybe then, her life can become normal in the way hers has the nature to be.

Even with the tremendous losses we’ve been asked to endure and the unresolved issues, I still feel oddly blessed at this point. I don’t know where the next year will take me and quite frankly, I’m nervous about the endless possibilities. There is a renewed sense of awe at how quickly circumstances can change for good and bad. I know life seems uneventful for some, but I think that’s just for a time too. If you doubt that, look at me. This time last year, I thought I could never dig myself out of the darkness and purposelessness and this year my unborn son plays “I push, he kicks” games with me every morning as if he has been instructed to prove me how God can make something beautiful out of things that hurt so much.

There are about two and half more weeks left to this year—take the time to measure how much your life has changed and I encourage you to be grateful that things do, in fact, change at all.

I'm Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I am currently without home.
I work 9 hours a day without a lunch break.
I practice/perform for 4 hours a night, every night (for 1 more week anyway).
I haven't made dinner in three weeks.
I miss my bed.
My throat hurts really bad.
I am no longer capable of faking smiles.
I haven't done anything "fun" since the beginning of November (except for Harry Potter).
I really really need a manicure.
I hate my job a little bit more every single day.
I hate hearing myself complain.

I want to...
...stay home for three weeks.
...only go out for food, shopping or very fun activities.
...live in the varnish smelling house that has all my stuff in it.
...have everything working in the house and no longer smelling like varnish.
...cook a big dinner.
...get settled.
...make out with my husband
...have some friends over.
...put up my Christmas decorations.
...make my boss feel shame and embarassment for what he's done.
...and lastly, to get paid for doing something I enjoy, from home.

Aaaaaaaaand the Discussion Continues...

I'm so sick of being the only slightly liberal member of my family! When we get together and the moment the discussion gets mildly political in nature, SUDDENLY everything turns into a discussion about religion. Why can't people see the difference between something being considered wrong Biblically and my not feeling it's right to suppress a person's freedom of expression? Is it just me or does any other thinking Christian out there see the scary reality headed our way on this issue--that if we insist on curbing the creative rights of others because elements of their fiction go against Biblical teachings, that we ourselves are just moments away from experiencing creative and political persecution.

Someone asked me if I felt television was influencing my view of homosexuality. My answer was no and I feel that way because on that particular issue and in my life, I find that art is simply imitating life and not the other way around. Sure, that's not true for everyone but again, my life... that particular issue. Then all hellfire came down on me because these "traditional, fundamental" call them what you will Christians can NOT hear what I've just said. Not once did I utter a word about my view on the issue of sexual orientation, yet somehow, the yelling began from every angle! I'm not even the most liberal person I know, in fact, I hate the labeling of political ideas period. I don't flip out when they don't agree with my ideals. I don't yell excessively until they relent, I don't start preaching, and most certainly don't put on that smug face of superiority because I believe my ideas are supported by the Bible. Why is that where they "go?" Is it not possible that true adherence to the teachings of God's Word circumvents the need for this type of discussion entirely? Clearly, both sides of this argument need to spend a little more time in study and a little less time trying to get other people's attention.