A Killer Instinct

My life, at the moment, feels a bit like an unfinished novel. To complete the metaphor, I am the apathetic author who is simply waiting for the novel to finish itself.

I mentioned to my mom the other day that I didn’t want to go after something because, “I’m just not a competitive person.” She responded casually, “yeah, you never have been.” What? I was under the impression that this was a discovery I had recently made about myself, not one that was outwardly visible to others. Apparently, when something is and always has been true about your character, people know it immediately.

Sports are thoroughly competitive—that is the entire point. Believe it or not, sport does have its appeal to me. To be honest, this appeal lies mainly in a game’s ambiance. You know, football means crisp fall weather, team sweaters, and miles of tradition. Golf inspires thoughts of a Scottish branch of my family and I remember how, in the fashion of true cultural loyalty, I should take up the game. I don’t love watching sports… I love watching sports movies.J I hate the competition of it even when I’m not the one competing! I’m a bit like my cousin, David, when I really care about a team or particular game, I watch most unpleasantly—teeth clenched, frequent bathroom breaks and cold sweats. Perhaps I don’t know the right amount of care to take about such things.

Unfortunately, the same truth about my nature applies to my career as well. I have plenty of ambition and talent (I hope) in my particular areas--I simply have no competitive nature to go for what I want. I don’t mind job interviews, but I hate the “rat race,” or the idea that 200 other people want EXACTLY what I want. If we lived in times when humankind hunted their food and ate it raw on the spot, I would surely go for the kill like every other hunter. The difference with me is that when I saw the other hunter in the reeds trying to thwart my efforts in order to get my kill… I’d simply give up the prize. Sadly, I would also probably die of starvation.

I say all that to imply that this “novel” that goes unfinished, may have something to do with this lack of competitive instinct. This is a world where others will happily take the reigns of your life to serve their own purposes. I find that I am all too often at the mercy of someone unfairness—that I am their kill. Perhaps now I am just starting to wake up to the fact that I have to fight when the cause is justified, but my nature always reminds me how much easier it is just to let them eat.