This Christmas day has been wonderful. Everything was beautiful, the gifts were great, the food was tasty, and the day was relaxing. I have no complaints. Why then am I going crazy with restlessness just after midnight, December 26th?
I want to get in my car for a night drive, but first I need to know what’s compelling me. Obviously, I seem to need to talk to someone, but unfortunately, everyone is asleep. My blog is awake, however.
My latest revelation came when emailing an old friend—perhaps; this is kind of about Melanie. I don’t even know. How weird is that? Death makes no sense. When my uncle died, I was just in shock and felt like something very valuable had been wasted. My gran died and I just thought of all the memories and realized how much I would miss her presence in my life. But, with Mel, I’m all over the place. I go from confident and content to lonely and climbing the walls. One minute, I’m amazed at my own resilience and the next, I feel like I’ll never put the pieces back together. I realize that loosing Melanie isn’t the worst thing that could ever happen, as heartless as that sounds. It just seems like I don’t know how to deal with this particular loss.
If you’re sick of reading about this, just imagine how sick I am of thinking about it all the time! What good does it do? I wish I knew that she could see me. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so alone without her.
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