Lately, I’ve become more and more aware of things that irritate me. Everyone from the selfish woman who accidentally whacks me with her huge purse to the damn cop, who gave me a ticket for doing what everyone else does all the time, is getting up my nose in a major way. I honestly feel like I could breakdown at some point just because… oh I don’t know… someone at Wal-Mart bumps my ass with their cart… again.
Okay, in fairness, I am not in a good mood right now. This has been coming on all night partly because I’ve been spending the entire evening hoping I’d have something to do this Saturday night. Well, it’s 10pm and I’m typing this tirade, so you do the math. That and I got another damn ticket tonight!
Seriously, when did we all become so self-involved? Why do we assume things about each other without even asking? Why do we try so hard to fit into an idea of what we think we should be instead of just feeling the way we really feel?
As anyone who knows me is aware, I just become a mom. I’m thrilled and feel totally blessed. Let me just say that just because I’m a new mom doesn’t mean I don’t have anything else to talk about, or that I don’t have a need to have friends. Oddly enough, I’m so lonely right now, it’s ridiculous. For example: I’m a very unassuming person, to a fault even. I never want to intrude, be a third wheel, overstay my welcome etc… but lately, I’ve been totally willing to bypass my own preferences on this issue because I’m desperate for a laugh with some friends! I’ve been lucky enough to meet some other chicks with kids lately who have generously invited me to spend time with them. I love them for that, but I must say, sometimes I just want to goof around and see a movie, grab some dinner or even read trashy magazines on the floor with a good friend.
I’m not a shy person normally but lately when I’m around anyone other than the four people I’m still comfortable around, I say the stupidest things! I put my big foot in my mouth, stumble over my words or simply get my facts wrong. It’s like being freaking thirteen years old and at a new school all over again! I’m so afraid of boring people with mommy talk, yet at the same time; I’m also dying to talk about something else myself. It’s like I have to get through the mommy stuff first. Who knows?
Don’t misunderstand me, my son and I have lots of fun… genuinely. I’ve found out that a few of my sillier voices make him laugh a lot. He smiles at me in a way that lets me know that the time spent crossing my eyes, and doing fake French accents while talking about poop is time well spent. I just miss my normal moments too and I don’t really have to feel that way.
I’ve learned that most people freak out on the subject of children. Don’t think you do? Well, I am here to tell you that yes, yes you probably do in your own way. It must be this misconception that one gives up all their leisure time or identity when becoming a parent. Maybe some people are willing to give that up, or perhaps people are just afraid of loving anyone else that much. If anything, fear the latter. I have not lost sight of who I am nor have I neglected to find time to enjoy myself. I still watch movies, play video games, listen to music, shop, write (not that anyone would want to read my latest), talk to friends, learn and of course, find new things to bitch about.
I suppose if I have to sum up, I’d have to ask… is it possible that we can lose sight of who we are because others have?
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