We were at the hospital when it was still dark out—I hate that. We checked in late, as usual. The drive to the hospital was surreal to say the least, everything looked normal on the turnpike… normal people going about normal business early in the morning. But for us, we knew in just a few short hours nothing would ever be the same again.
After miles of paperwork and three painful attempts at inserting an I.V., I was finally ready. My mom and dad came in to my room one last time to wish me luck. The nurses came and wheeled me into the operating room. I was freezing and shaking like a leaf. My doctor still hadn’t arrived so I had to wait with the catheter of the spinal block hanging out of my spinal cord. I couldn’t move in case it shifted and damaged my spinal chord causing… oh I don’t know... PERMANENT PARALYSIS! I had to stay hunched over on the operating table (with a huge belly, by the way) for about twenty minutes. Finally the doctor arrived and they began extremely quickly.
Jason came in just as they began and sat next to my head. We had made an arrangement that he would talk to me about basketball since March Madness was going on. I just wanted to hear about anything other than what was happening. Being conscious for your surgery is bizarre enough, and it’s best to escape the horrors going on beyond the curtain if possible. My doctor was only too happy to engage in this basketball discussion and he, Jason and two nurses began chatting happily about Duke’s chances a national championship! It was to this subject, young Jager, that you came into this world.
“Okay, are you ready? Here he is,” the doctor said. Suddenly everything went quiet in my head.
-There was my son.-
There was buzzing in my ears. Now separate from me, his pink body moved through the room without me. I cried like I’ve never cried in my life—the most intense mixture of tears and hysterical laughter I’ve ever heard. I don’t remember anyone else at that moment except that I told Jason to leave me and go with the baby, which he did. Finally, I regained thought and asked what color his hair was. The doctor studied him, and finally laughed when he said, “I think it’s red!” That was it. That was the moment, the greatest moment of my life. I could have died right there with happiness. I don’t think it’s ever fully possible to describe the overwhelming joy, fear and shock of that moment. It’s better than Christmas, it’s better than anything.
After weighing (7 lbs, 12 oz), and measuring (19 ¾ inches) and a number of other things, Jason finally brought him to me. I touched my son for the first time by kissing him on his lips. I was shaking and unsteady, but his tiny lips were warm and wet.
For those who aren’t parents yet and wonder why people you know and even like suddenly turn into love struck puppy dogs when they have kids, I’ll tell you. You find that you can and do love with the intensity of two years of longing and 9 months of waiting in one blinding instant. You finally understand what it means to love someone else enough to beg to die in their place. It’s overwhelming and suddenly very real. His smile makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time. It’s like looking at every good thing about yourself and the person you love and realizing that you’re responsible for this little piece of perfection in front of you. The pride is so overwhelming it chokes you. Yes, there are negatives to being a parent, but something about this new person makes you want to be someone you never knew you could be. You’d do anything for him and anything seems possible.
You would assume that the most powerful moments are intensely emotional, but I have found that they can be hilarious and filled with laughter too. The first time Jager smiled at me on purpose, was that kind of moment. I was popping in and out of my closet holding up a different shirt every time and asking him what he thought. He was staring at me and by the third shirt he had a huge grin on his face. I instantly started laughing hysterically at our mutual amusement and kissed him all over his face and neck. My stomach actually flipped when I saw him smiling! It was the same nervous excitement you feel when someone you like holds your hand for the first time.
Sometimes we just find ourselves holding him and staring at him. How did we create something perfect?! There are my eyes, and your dad’s lips, your uncle’s widow’s peak, and your grandpa’s ears. We are so unbelievably blessed, and we never doubt it for a moment.
